Help Me

It's been a while since I have sat down to write and I know I should do it more often but I really can't seem to make time to do it....I always feel better when I get things off my chest but I just haven't taken the time lately to do so.....

So much has happened since I last wrote anything it would take me FOREVER to catch it all up...and honestly I don't want to talk about all that. 

The past few days have been really really really hard on me.  I am run down, wore out, tired, drained, emotionally, physically, even spritually at times....I know that everything happens for a reason and I completely understand that and I understand that I need paitience to get the other side of any and all dilemilas that I am going through but sometimes I just can't....I just don't have the time or the desire to wait or rather the will to sit back and be paitient while the answers slowly come in.......

Canon has been sick for SO long and we though he had allerigies....we take him to the allergy doctor just to be told Nope no allergies....then what is the problem....any answers - no just keep doing what we are doing....THAT DOESN'T HELP HIM.....

Heath has been in SEVERE pain for a week and half now, been to the ER three times....two CT scans, three sets of blood work, an ultrasound, a hydra scan, three shots of morphine, numerous loritabs later and we are still really just guessing at what MIGHT be the problem....I am just frustrated....Yes today I spend all day in the emergency room with my husband laying in the bed in and out of a morphine induced coma - I worried and wondered all day....everytime the dr came into the room I thought maybe this time we would get an answer and then the dr would come back in the room with another "hmm, I don't know - lets try this" and the cycle would start all over again...I would say a quick prayer that this would be the one that gave us the answer that we needed. and then when it didn't I would get a little bit more worried and upset and frustrated....I just don't know how to let it all go....I know I need to, that I am supposed to, that God wants me to, that as my father he will take care of me but I have been the one to take care of things for so long that I just can't seem to let things go....I need help with that.......How do I turn it all over to God and leave it with him?  How do I let him have it and not take it back?  Every time I think I have done just that, I turn around and yank it right back from him and start fretting over it again.....

As of right now Heath's diagnosis is gallbladder disease and a peptic ulcer.  He has an appointment on Monday afternoon to see a surgeon and is on a bland diet and taking medicine for the ulcer....he also has new pain medication that will hopefully help get him through until something else is done.  The kicker to all this is - He has now missed a full week's worth of classes and he has finals in two weeks....I have to figure out someway to get him coherent enough to contact his teachers to see what he needs to do to make up his missing work so that he doesn't lose the semester of this last week of missing days....

Please pray for us b/c we really need the prayers right now....We also so much other stuff going on that I can't even begin to get into......If you ever need a prayer don't hesitate to ask b/c I will be glad to pray for you if you will be kind enough to do so for me.....

T'was a month before football

T'was a month before football, and all through the South

Rabid fans everywhere were running their mouth.

The recruits were all arriving to show off their wares,

In hopes that playing time soon would be theirs.

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of championships danced in their heads.

And momma in her Orange and I in my Blue,

were patiently waiting for the season to ensue.

When out on the fields there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.

Away to my front door I flew on a rail,

Only to see a Bulldog brandishing his 'bell.

I went to the internet to find out the reason,

it seems they're hoping for a championship season.

I decided to look at the other teams' prospects,

and there I found all of the usual suspects.

While Bama fans keep claiming judgment day is near,

the Auburn fans keep saying there is nothing to fear.

The Gator fans are joyfully embracing their new leader,

and Georgia fans are hoping their season don't teeter.

LSU is hoping they don't need any luck,

to get by a team of high-scoring Ducks.

While Rebel fans are just now leaving their casinos,

Hog fans are dreaming of crowning Petrino.

On Rocky Top, Bray seems to be the magical word

While the Gamecocks hope to keep their opponents spurred.

Poor Vandy and Kentucky, as in seasons past,

are just hoping their teams aren't playing for last.

And then, in an instant, I heard on the news

Everyone was picking the champion to lose.

I looked at their roster, scratching my head,

I couldn't believe what they had just said.

While across the state at that other school,

These same pundits were saying the Tide would rule.

While one school is dissed because of their losses,

the school that is picked first lost way more hosses.

That's life in this conference, I readily admit,

And what you did last year doesn't matter a bit.

Championships in this conference are hard to come by,

but repeating as champion is an even farther cry.

So now we sit and wait for the veterans to report,

and hope they are ready to hold down the fort.

Many who waited their turn on the sideline,

Will now be hoping to become the next headline!

While injuries and suspensions can wreck someone's season,

Let's hope they stay healthy and for good reason,

for most of us this is nothing more than a game,

but for them it's their livelihood if they come up lame.

Here's hoping for a good finish to the season this year,

and may twelve SEC teams celebrate holiday cheer.

We all have our dreams of postseason glory,

but let team play and sportsmanship be the main story!

To win the crown, there's one thing to remember.

You've first got to get to that game in December.

Winning championships is what it's about,

Here's wishing every Saturday was a Saturday Down South.

                           ---- Johnny Smith, author of the Auburn blog On Toomer's Corner

Closing The Door The Right Way

Okay so I was reading today's devotion and it was SCREAMING at me again....obviously God is working really hard on me these last few weeks....I felt I needed to share it.  A certain person came instantly to mind when I read it (other than myself that is) and I have emailed it directly to that person as well.  I hope if you are in need of these word that they will help you through your time of wandering....they are helping me out leaps and bounds these days....

"To everything there is a season" Ecc3:1 NKJV

Closing The Door The Right Way

In life, relationships come to an end. How you handle such moments can influence and shape your future. You can't enter the next season of your life properly if you don't exit this one right. So: (1) Close the door with grace. You may need to walk back through it some day. (2) Close the door with forgiveness. Resentment will poison your attitude and your memories and destroy you from within. Leave the judging to God; He knows both sides. (3) Close the door with your promises fulfilled. At great personal cost, Jephthah said: "I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break" (Jdg 11:35 NIV). Your character is on the line here; whatever the price tag, keep your word, because God is listening when you give it! (4) Close the door with courage. It's not easy to face tomorrow when you feel alone, but remember, you are not alone. Jesus said: "I am with you always, even unto the end of the world " (Mt 28:20). (5) Close the door in God's timing. Grieve your losses, but don't get stuck in the past. King Saul represented the past but David represented the future. When God rejected Saul because he had displeased Him, God said to the prophet Samuel: "How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him...go; I am sending you to Jesse the Bethlehemite. For I have provided Myself a king from among his sons" (1 Sa 16:1 NKJV). Endings bring new beginnings. It's okay to acknowledge the past and learn from it, but when God shuts the door it's time to move into the future He's prepared for you.

Endings bring new beginnings. It's okay to acknowledge the past and learn from it, but when God shuts the door it's time to move into the future He's prepared for you.  I love this line.  This is so true. 

James 1:12 "God will bless you if you don't give up when your faith is being tested.  He will reward you with a glorious life, just as he rewards everyone who loves him. (CEV)   I believe this is going to be my new motto in life because my faith has been tested over and over again the past few weeks and God has continuously shown me that when I don't give up on him he ALWAYS provides for me.  He blesses me each and every day and I am more thankful now than every before because of it.  I am stronger today that I was three weeks ago and I have only Him to thank for it.

Hold Steady and Let God Work

Heath and I have been struggle with alot of things the last few weeks.  Last night we sat down and spent some time with our pastor (Thank you so much for you wonderful words and advice Bro. Dennis) I actually went to bed feeling a bit more at ease last night that I have been.  I am trying to put into action the things that we discussed and actually had already been trying to do some of the things that were told to us to do. 

When I got to work today I remembered that Mom had given me a daily devotional book over the weekend and I sat down to read a few after lunch just b/c I felt that I needed to spend some time with God.  When I got to yesterday's devotion it really struck home with me.  I felt so strongly pulled to it that I have now read it numerous times, and have even typed it up and emailed it to Heath and decided that maybe someone else might be able to use these words to help themselves out with struggles they are having.  I hope that if you are struggling with something you will seek advice and guidance from the awesome Lord above and also for someone that loves you and wants to help you.  Heath and I have been trying to figure things out and it seems like we have made progress at times but then at other times it doesn't feel like we are getting anywhere.  After last night I know that we can make it through this wilderness or season that we are going through.  We need to rely on God and be patient and he will show us the way.  Like Bro. Dennis told us - "Learn the lesson that he is teaching you now b/c you don't want to have to go to summer school to get it"....lol....

2Co 4:17

"Our light affliction…is working for us."

There are times when everything you attempt to do will seem to go wrong.  Your faith may be strong and your commitment deep, yet adversity will come knocking on your door.  In such times, the power of prayer will strengthen and stabilize you.  But you can’t pray away life’s seasons!.  God has a purpose for not allowing you to be fruitful all the time.  Real growth requires seasons of struggle as well as seasons of success.  Your seasons of struggles destroy pride in your own ability, increase your dependence on God, and cause you to say like Paul, "Not that we are sufficient of ourselves…our sufficiency is from God" (2Co 3:5 NKJV).  These are humbling experiences, but you need them.  Your life is like a tree:  in winter it silently refurbishes its strength, preparing for the next season of fruitfulness.  As you look back on your life’s accomplishments you’ll notice that they are seasonal.  There are seasons of rain as well as sunshine, and each season serves an important purpose.  That’s why it’s a mistake to make a permanent decision based on a temporary circumstance or changing emotion.  "The things which are seen temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2CO 4:18).  The word temporal means "subject to change."  Hold steady, it’s not always going to be this way!  Sometimes the situation doesn’t call for action, it calls for patience and trust in God.  Paul writes:  " Our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us."  In ways you cannot understand, God is making the circumstances you’re in today work for your good.

Raw

Raw - I guess this is the best word to describe the way I feel these days - Raw.    Life has taken a very ugly and nasty turn for me this week and some startling realizations have come to light and because of that I am Raw.  I have no energy for anything, I feel sick all the time, all I want to do is run away somewhere and hide until life decides to go away and find somebody else to pick on.  It is my own fault really but it still doesn't make it any easier to take....Mary Poppins says "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" but what about with life - what makes life's ugly realities easier.  How do you swallow them down without hurt, or damage?  Why bother?  Is it even worth it?  Do you even want to try again?  These are the things that I have asked myself over and over again this week and honestly the answer to all are YES I DO.....I hope that the Rawness will go away and my world will right itself and spin on its axis again normally soon - if it doesn't well, we all know me - I am the girl that goes with the flow and always rolls with the punches....I don't rock the apple cart unless I just have to.....hopefully life will get better.....my friend posted on facebook yesterday that she was trying to recover from running the marathon that we called life and you know that kinda sums it up.....oh well....at this point in time all I can say is I feel utterly and truely Raw.

catching up

Well today is Father's Day and I don't think Heath's day has started off all that great.  Woke up to find that we have no satellite....which we knew would be happening just didn't expected it today of all days - oh well.   The good news is that all the kids are home with us which is all Heath wanted for Father's Day so that is a plus. 

Been a while so lets see if I can catch everything up:

Trace spent a week in Arkansas with Heath's mom and had a blast - so much so that I didn't hear from him some days.  He is already talking about next year's trip.  (She goes every year - we all went last year but we didn't have the money to make the trip as a family this year so just Trace went)  Trace has a few more baseball games to play (they are making up rainout games this year b/c they will effect the standings - last year we didn't have to make up any games).   Trace will be going to Merit summer camp in two weeks and he will be in the space class and he is so excited about that. 

Canon got to go back to daycare one day last week and he was so happy.  His teacher said it took his daddy a whole two weeks to undo what it took them a whole two years to accomplish...lol.  She said she had some issues with him telling her No and hitting.  I told her that we were having the same issues at home but the older boys play rough with him and he doesn't think anything about hitting them and starting a "war" to get them to play with him so.....good news is that I think we have figured out a way to get him back in daycare for 3 days a week - he needs it so bad.  He was not whiny or fussy or anything that night when he got home.  He finally had people his own age to play with and he was happy.  He has also figured out that he loves to swim.  He will jump off the diving board and the sides of the pool and he loves it.  Give him his life jacket and away he goes - he doesn't like floaties at all.  He also got to go to Geyser Falls for the first time last week and he loves that also.  He will definately be included on more waterpark trips b/c he had so much fun and wasn't afraid of anything. 

Michael is still with us and he is waiting on the call to go to work for real.  In the mean time he is mowing grass to make money.  He has cut several yards and seems to be very happy here.  His youth group from the coast is coming to Smithville in July to do VBS and I think he is wanting to go do that with them - I had a great emailing back and forth with a lady that was heading it up for his church - it is so nice to hear awesome praise about your children coming from other people.  She said some pretty nice things and she feels the same way about things that Heath and I do so that is a plus to know that we do have an ally of sorts in his life on the coast. 

Nicholas arrived back home yesterday and so far he seems happy to be here.  I dont' think he did very much while he was back on the coast but according to him he never does.  I really don't have much to say about him b/c he just got back.  Next time I am sure I will have more comments. 

Life is still hard and life is still a struggle everyday but the Lord is lighting our path and we are following his footsteps.  One day maybe all will be easy but honestly I don't see it happening.  Heath and I have had some rough days lately but I think we have smoothed things over and seem to be doing better.  He is still looking for a full time job and the bonding stuff seems to be picking up - Monroe County anyway - still hasn't done anything in Lowndes County but......

That's my life and this is just another day.....looking forward to my time with the New Journey Babies today at church......

What a week....

It's been awhile since I have had a chance to sit down and write....let's see if I can remember all the stuff that has happen since the last time I did....

Heath was baptistized last Sunday night.  All of the our children were there to see it and his mom got to come too.  His dad had planned to come but he just wasn't able to. 

The "to do" list was completed and the appraisal on the house has been done.  My husband and children all worked so hard to get everything done that needed to be done and kept the house clean.  The only thing that I hate was that laundry was sooo piled up and there was no place to "hide" it away...I hope that doesn't hurt the appraisal in any way....as a reward for all the hard work that they did we went to the water park (Geyser Falls) on Monday and it really wasn't all that crowded....it was HOT though but it has been hot all week long.  There have been all kinds of record setting temps here in Mississippi this week.  It is awful and it is only June 2, I can only begin to imagine what it will be like in the coming months. 

Heath's dad has been in the hospital in Tuscaloosa since Monday also.  He went in b/c he had so much fluid on his legs that when you touched him, it would bust open and start seeping out.  Yesterday he was moved into ICU b/c his CO2 level was too high.  He is on a c-pap machine to get the CO2 levels down.  When he went into ICU his levels were over 100, this morning they were down to 70 but they have to get to 30 before he will be back in a regular room.  The good news is that the medicine that they have been giving him for the fluid seems to be working b/c the swelling in his legs are going down.  He was in better spirits today than yesterday.  Please pray / continue praying for his healing and comfort during this time and for peace and understand for his children and wife. 

Canon went swimming in the pool for the first time this year on Saturday - He loved it.....He doesn't realize he isn't as big as the other kids and he wants to play just like them.  Grandma bought him a boat to ride around in and then Lala got him some floaties and he just has so much fun.  Tonight he jumped off the diving board and went down the slide....if I had not been in the pool with him I would have taken pictures but I will get some next time. 

Tuesday was Canon and Trace's last day at daycare.  Things have been pretty crazy this week so I don't think either one of them have really realized what they are missing out on....Once Nick goes home Trace will begin to miss his friends and will start asking to go I am sure.  I am just waiting on Canon to start asking for Ms. Rachel (his teacher) any day now. 

Michael, the kid that wasn't gonna come visit and then showed up to stay for only one night and then decided to stay for two weeks, has decided to spend the WHOLE summer with us.  He is going to be working and his mother has agreed to let him stay with us.  Nicholas on the other hand is still leaving us for a couple of weeks but he will be back again on the 18th.  He isn't real happy that he is having to go home and Michael getting to stay. 

We are a few less pets around our house these days.  Canon's rabbit, Dabbit, died last week from heat stroke.  He was solid black and the day that we moved the rabbits outside to their new cage he died.  Well tonight, Snowball, Nick's rabbit (that he got when Canon and Trace got theirs that had been living with him at his mom's that he brought with him when he came to visit), died.  Heath was cooking supper and happened to look out the window and saw him fall over and ran outside and got him and did CPR / mouth to mouth / ran him under cold water....everything he could possible think of to save him but he did not make it.  Now we only have Nibbles, Trace's rabbit.  On the other hand we discovered last week that Wicket and Shadow (the cats) are BOTH pregnant so we will be over run with kittens in the near future....if you would like one please let me know....as soon as they are ready to go they will have to go and both cats will be fixed no excuses this time around.   Both hermit crabs have also died.  So as of today the total pet count is at 6 - 2 dogs, 1 rabbit, and 3 cats (soon to be who knows how many).

I guess that about catches my week up....tomorrow will be a sad day b/c Nick will be going home but like I said he will be back again on the 18th so.....hopefully tomorrow will bring good news from Heath's dad also.